As the hours slowly ticked by in that airplane, I felt helpless. I have comforted 5 babies before Livvy. Each one had their own very unique personality but I always knew what they needed and I knew at the end of the day everything would be okay. Each night, as I watched their eyes close I marveled in the miracle of motherhood. It was different with Livvy and I knew it right from the start. She never allowed herself to find peace with anyone or anything. The only time she seemed to be "happy" was when she was alone in her crib rhythmically rocking. To this day she has scars and frequent open wounds on her forehead. These are a result of the never ending battle against those demons that force her to find comfort in banging her head on her crib, the floor or even the concrete on her school playground. It's devastating.
The months leading up to the glorious day of Livvys freedom were filled with such hope. I could not wait to scoop her up in my arms and rescue her from the place that held her prisoner for almost two years. For months after we came home,
there were always the same excuses..... "She is still emotionally recovering from orphanage life." "She has so much lost time to make up for." "She'll turn that corner soon and become more like Chloe." Don't get me wrong, she has come so far. She's thriving in school, she is slowly learning to communicate, and most importantly she's learning how to be appropriately comforted. When I walk into her room in the morning, I am greeted with the most beautiful smile. When I pick her up she snuggles in and lays her head on my shoulder. It's a brief moment in time but I soak in every second! She's learning to love and be loved and that's a huge milestone for her.
Livvy has recently been diagnosed with Autism and along with that diagnosis came a few answers but there are still so many questions I have that I'm afraid will remain locked away. I so desperately want to reach in and pull my beautiful baby girl from that body that holds her captive. She's trapped in there. I see glimpses and although they're fleeting they're all the fuel I need to keep reaching for that miracle.
We have a very long road ahead with Livvy and I know it will be filled with potholes, fender benders and plenty of road rage but I wouldn't change it for the world. She is perfect and she is mine.
Like I have said 1000 times before, I don't blame Olivia's birth parents for leaving her at that hospital. They gave her life and because of that and the heart wrenching decision they made to walk away from her, my life and our family is complete.
Although I started this post months ago, the urgency to get it done became apparent when I learned of one my favorite adoptive family's plan to add a beautiful baby boy to their magnificent family!
Even though it was out of my control, I will always feel tremendous guilt for not getting to Livvy sooner. With each passing day in that orphanage she slipped farther and farther away. I will always wonder, what if I just fought a little bit harder? I'm sure it would have made a huge difference in her quality of life today. I never want Kecia to have those what ifs. Noah needs to come home and my Livvy Girl is going be his guide.
Please join me on this mission! Let's get baby Noah home! Here is Kecia's blog: http://findingbabybrother.blogspot.com/2015/12/you-can-make-difference.html?m=1
Kecia is a captivating writer and they are having an awesome Christmas giveaway! Make sure you go way back and see Mia's story. You'll never be the same.
Feels good to blog again! Maybe I will dedicate this as Livvy's place to shine... That's what she does best. Shine.